Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick