Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.