Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”