Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

what kind of cook setting is this??

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.