Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.