target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.