Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.