target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
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Monday Lisa
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
#NeverForget
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …