target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
So Hamburger help me, God
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.