target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
