Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required