Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me