Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Make new friends? bro out of what?

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

So glad we cleared that up

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.