Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

A short story about romance.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click