Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

I’m not lazy

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong