Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW