tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?