Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.