tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
when there are deer in the woods
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.