[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *