Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.