[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”