[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
I really had high hopes for this year though
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.