[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
tfw you realize …
