Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son