Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

my first day as a raccoon

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

waiting for halloween be like:

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.