Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Truth
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.