Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
BETRAYAL
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I don’t think my car can fly
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.