Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
being a writer on Twitter:
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”