Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.