Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*


If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills


Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.


Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.


My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing


According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?


People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides


Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.


He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started