@Northerngent4

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

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@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@RickAaron

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

@mayamanion

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

@zachreinert03

My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing

@LOsepyan

According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

@manda_tee1

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

@envydatropic

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started