Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The little toadstool has spoken.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.