[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples