[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”