Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I love the National Park Service.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I put the mess in domestic.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My circle of trust is a meatball