Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.