Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
the last thing a carrot sees
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.