@ConcernedSirGuy

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

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@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

@NintenDom

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

@mommajessiec

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

@murrman5

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@suntzufuntzu

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@sock_holliday

When I say books rule you say shhhh

Librarian:…

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah

@Mr_Kapowski

I haven’t cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox