Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
i dont have time for this
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“I FIXED IT!”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.