Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?