Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆