Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…