tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
why no one uses midhusbands
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
It kinda feels like this rn
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash