tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN