[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Yoga Matt
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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions