[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.