Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

kevin is now a local weatherman

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

True?

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

I might give this a try 😏