Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Get in loser we’re going crying

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”