Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

shut up and take my money

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

never ask a starfish for directions

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”