Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Message from the dog groomers

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

U talkin 2 me?

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.