Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.