Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

as is their right

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.