Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Found the job I’m suited for

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter