Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Cinematography is my passion

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name