Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car