Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Need WebMD

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

When I pack too much for a short trip.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends