tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
knights of the ikea table
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The Wolf of Wall Street.
