tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
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Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Snapes on a plane.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When someone trying to leave me
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Breakfast for Stoners:
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit