Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.