Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse