tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
🥲
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance