Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once