Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.