Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]