Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.