@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

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@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@FunnyBison

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

@3sunzzz

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

@therepoguy

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

@urmumsausername

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.