Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.


Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.


Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style


bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone



Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”


I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened


Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.


The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.