Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please