Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
weird email i got today
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.