Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

I am all good here, 😂😉

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.