Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Previously On Persistence 😎
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Happy thanksgiving!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*me flirting
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth