Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

this is the kind of friend i am

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT