Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards