Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I put the p in pants.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3