Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Strange
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I have questions??
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.