Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

tag yourself

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down