Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”