Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.