Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine