Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Bit chilly again tonight.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire