Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
You Might Also Like
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The internet is full of many things
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.