Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie