Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
asked my bf how work was today
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Mistakes were made
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
