Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
For those that worship cheese..
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Schrödinger’s cookie
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man